I’m staying at my parents’ house right now, way west of the city, where every house looks similar but the backyards are all unique. Yes, I take a ton of walks. I’m waiting for the final pains of surgery to wear off, and then I’ll go back to my apartment and feel 31 again. Not that I haven’t appreciated being in “the bosom of my family” again, surrounded by people who love me and have taken care of me when I couldn’t sit up from a laying down position on my own. And it’s an interesting kind of nostalgia to be back in the house that I can actually say my family has inhabited for more than two years. We’ve been here for over 15 years, in fact, which has never happened before. So many different houses and backyards and placements of the same furniture are still here in my memory…it’s strange to think that this is how it all finally ended up.
Besides that, I enjoyed a bit of a “time out” this summer. I had it once before, when I was 22, for the same surgery, and that was an interesting stasis too since I had just graduated from college in Minnesota, moved back to St. Louis the day after graduation, and didn’t know which city I would choose after my post-op healing. At the time, I chose Minnesota, but look, I came back here in the end, although not to stay. Always by this time in my life, I had thought I would be traveling from country to country, making some kind of lucrative living doing whatever it is you can do that would enable you to live an itinerant lifestyle (at least for a few years).
Stay or go, I don’t want to waste the rest of my time. My apartment is in an amazing neighborhood that has a lot to offer, but I’ve been a little agoraphobic. There are things that I want to try just once, others that I want to incorporate into my life for the long haul. There are things that I care about that, but just because others don’t share my view, I’ve been unmotivated to really delve into the issues and find a way to help make things in this world a bit more positive. I know there are people out there beyond my own circle that can help inspire me and push me further. I feel that my laziness and reluctance have been my biggest obstacles.
I wonder if everybody secretly wants their very personal diary to be found. The blog experiment. Cha-ching!
“I stepped I left and I don’t regret leaving
and I’ll never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn’t get turned on I just got turned
I wasn’t as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I’ve hurt
and every time I’ve been burned
I’ve got a lot to teach but even more to learn…”
Atmosphere, “The Woman With the Tattooed Hands”